I’ve always been told that everyone has their moment when they feel like they’ve hit rock bottom. You hit so hard that you don’t feel like you’ll ever be able to rise from it. Mine may seem a little selfish, but there are certain points in your life when you need to stop trying so hard to please everyone else, and start thinking about yourself.
No one really understands how over looked I’ve felt my entire life. I think that’s why I focus on other people’s feelings all the time (or any chance I get). I feel like my feelings aren’t important, and I try to convince myself that maybe I don’t have them anymore. But I do. I have feelings, and they have been completely shot to the ground.
I’ve always liked being the first child because I get to be a whole new world of firsts for my parents and my whole family really. I’ve just really liked that the title of “first” would always be mine. I guess you really can’t understand this unless you are the first child.
I was the first wedding. I was the first of all the grandkids and even great-grandkids to get married. But more importantly than being the first wedding, I was the first to start my adult life with my husband.
I’ve always been so much older on the inside than on the outside. I was forced to grow up so much faster than any of my siblings because, at times, I had to help my mom raise my siblings when my dad had to work non stop to support us. Even though I am 21 years old, I feel like I’m at least 25. To me, I didn’t get married at a young age because I always have felt 5 years older.
My husband and I have also been talking about kids. Most people think I’m crazy, but the people who really know me know that I am more capable of being a mother than 90% of the population. It’s what I was put on this earth to do. So, we decided to try it out and see what would happen. I stopped taking birth control altogether.
2 months rolled by, and nothing happened. I read that it could take at least two months for the birth control to wear off. So, I wasn’t worried. 2 more months rolled by, and nothing. I was beginning to get emotional at this point. Another month rolls by, and I’m finally late. So I test twice, just to be thorough. Nothing. My body just decided to push my period back two weeks to mess with me. 2 more months roll by…still nothing. Even the month of November can be crossed off the list. I was late 2 weeks again, but just as the past 7 months…nothing.
There is nothing that hurts worse than even thinking that you won’t be able to have kids. It takes a toll on husband and wife. Obviously more on the wife, though. I have this depression that lingers, because I think about it constantly. I think about not being able to do what women were created to do. It makes me feel worthless. I always say that the ones who get pregnant are the ones who don’t want to be or 16 year olds.
I got a phone call yesterday that felt like someone stabbed me in the gut. “You’re going to be an aunt.” So many thoughts ran through my head before I could finally reply, “What do you mean?” I knew this couldn’t be real. My 17 year old sister tells me that she’s pregnant.
She got pregnant while ON birth control. What? Why? Huh? How?
So many thoughts have gone through my head. I’ve never been so hurt. I mean….I don’t really know what I mean. I was supposed to be the first. I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. But that’s not how God works. I’m sure that it’s going to take me a long time to understand why. I feel like I’m drowning. Mainly because I am drowning. I’m drowning in all my emotions that I just can’t contain.
To some people, this seems blown out of proportion and stupid, but it’s the most pain I’ve felt in a very long time.
With all of this said, I’m supportive of my little sister. She made a stupid mistake, but that’s not my niece or nephew’s fault. We can only look forward in this situation. I’m going to be an amazing aunt, I’m still falling a part, though.
Sorry for the novel.
my scary pumpkin.
adventures in school
my favourite part about the 1800’s is none of you were born yet
i dont know whether to laugh or cry
This is just sad
#me at every exam ever taken
The Lone Ranger now in theaters!